Setting Realistic Expectations With People (Friends)

Ever notice how sometimes relationships, friendships, change over time, and how they can get very strained or become such a chore or an effort to work at?

I have a theory about that. I think part of it is that we as people have needs, and we look to our "people" to fulfill those needs, which I think is very natural. However, sometimes the needs we have at that time cannot be fulfilled by those certain people, and that can cause things to get strained.

For example, personally I am not really very good with kids. I never had any myself and was never around them day-to-day, so I tend to be a little ill-at-ease with them. I'm not sure how to relate to them mentally, and they make a lot of noise and are always runnin' around and stuff - - not my scene *LoL*

Now, if a friend of mine expected me to watch their kids, or sit down and spend time with their kids when I went to visit her, they would quickly become irritated and disappointed with me, and our relationship would probably become strained even if it was very solid on other fronts.

Part of that is that their expectations are unrealistic. They want something of me that is not within me to give. I have other talents, and will do lots and lots of other things for them, but I really am not the friend that they should come to if they need a babysitter.

Part of that could also be that they are trying to use one friend to fulfill multiple needs without thinking about what types of things that friend Can and Wants to give.

I bet if we looked at our strained relationships in this light, asking ourselves, "Really, what need am I looking to this person to fulfill for me, and is this person even capable, much less willing, to do that?" we might be surprised to find that really the solution to the tension could be something as simple as setting realistic expectations of that person, and making sure that our needs are taken care of by the person in our circle who is capable and willing to help us with that, or by learning to do it ourselves, or even by using that recognition of that need as an initiative to widen our social circle!

If someone is incapable, or unwilling, to do something for me, I don't think less of them or get mad at them because of it. If it's something that I really, really need and that they are Capable of giving me but are Unwilling to give it, I definitely resent them for it no doubt, and that becomes a decision point in the relationship, but if they are really just not that kind of person or don't have it in them I try to just accept the fact and focus on the things that I do like about them. I find this simple technique has brought me much peace of mind and taken away a lot of my stress, and I hope it does for you, too.

Try it - this will work . . .